Heartache comes in so many different forms. Some heartache goes away, and some will always linger.
So life here lately has been happy on the forefront, but there has been a huge heartache lingering in the background. I feel maybe if I write it down it will lessen the heartache.
March 17th of 2015 I found out we were expecting our 4th child. To say it was a surprise is an understatement. After calling the doctor and scheduling an appointment it was determined we were going on 5 weeks pregnant.
The next day, March 18th of 2015 was a day of driving my daughter to her ortho doctor an hour away. Everything was fine there and back. As soon as I got home I discovered that I had started bleeding. Called my doctors office and left a message asking what did I need to do. Well finally, 2 hours later, they called me to come in to have blood work done.
It took two days to get the results back. I knew deep down in my heart what had happened and the doctor confirmed. We had lost our baby.
I have never known heartache as this. To find out you have a baby growing inside of you one day, and then the next have that baby gone. Just heart wrenching.
Talking to the doctor about my blood work results, it was found that I have low progesterone levels. What that boils down to is my body isn’t creating enough progesterone to help create the right environment to hold a baby.
After loosing our surprise baby, we knew for sure we wanted another child to hold in our arms. So a month later, April, my doctor gives me the go to start trying again. I had my progesterone on hand for when we had that first positive test and we started trying again.
Mother’s Day week rolls around and guess what? We got our first positive test. Started the progesterone immediately. Then we had another positive and another. Then even more. It is crazy how loosing a child during pregnancy can make you so anxious. So I ended up having about a total of 10 positive pregnancy tests.
After loosing a pregnancy you learn that if that little line on that test isn’t getting darker then your HCG levels aren’t raising. Well all 10 tests I took never got darker. I was so worried. I didn’t want to call the doctor and be over reacting. So Mother’s Day morning rolled around and I took a digital. The worst thing possible showed up, “NOT PREGNANT”. I knew then that the pregnancy wasn’t going to hold.
It is so hard loosing not one, but two babies, especially after being able to have three. With my twins it was not a really planned pregnancy, as well as with my little man. We never knew what is was like to have a hard time trying to conceive. It is crazy how much it consumes your life when you really really want it. It is also crazy how envious you find yourself being of women who are pregnant. At times it is even hard to be around someone pregnant. You look at them and think, I should be about as far along as they are right now.
Women who have never had a miscarriage don’t even understand how hard it can be to be around someone that is pregnant. You look at them and know they have life growing inside of them, knowing the life you had inside of you is gone. When a woman becomes pregnant, well for me anyway, you automatically start thinking about that baby. What that baby will look like, will that baby be a boy or a girl and what will the baby’s name be. Then that literally gets left hanging in limbo. Me being a Christian, I believe that one day I will see my babies in Heaven. I will know then, but the mother in me wants that now. I want them now. I want to nurture those babies, watch them grow. See them take their first of many things.
So even though I go on everyday and am thankful for the children I am able to hold in my arms, my heart aches every day for the babies that are not here with me now. I know in my heart I will one day see them, but until then they will forever be in my heart.
I will say as the days go by it does get a little easier, but it won’t ever be better.
Wow, one of the most personal posts I have ever written in my life. It feels good putting this out there. Even though I know I have God, my husband and my family there to help me through the days it can still be hard to really let it out how I really feel.